Changes

Life is going to change next week. On Wednesday night the last thing that needs to be done for the divorce paperwork will be completed. Then it's just a waiting game for the courts to process the documents. Then in four or so months it will change again as I move into my own place and I start the rest of my life alone again. I wish I could get rid of the depression part of that statement. There are a lot of good things about being alone to look forward to. Plus the time put in is all towards me healing and being the best possible version of myself I can be. I'm tired with all the work but I was more tired of being so lazy and procrastinating about life so much.

I still miss the idea of my wife. I have almost accept that the woman I knew and the woman I live with were two different people. The woman I knew was much better than the woman I live with. That said the woman I live with ain't all bad. Yes she shattered my heart and doesn't think a thing about it as long as she has her new boyfriend. But she didn't fight me on the divorce or custody of my kid, she has been cordial if nothing else and, since our battle about what role she expects me to play versus the role I will play, she has left me alone for the most part. I guess it could be said in a way I have been alone for a month now. Since she threw away me for him because after that I didn't have a bond with her anymore. And of course I am being dramatic, I have many other wonderful people in my live. Which, by the way, an homage to each of them for being so amazing. I love you all for your support and love. I wish I wasn't so damaged that I needed your support, I realize that is what it means to love each other but I don't like being weak like this. I guess that is why I am working so hard and so fast. To heal and move on. I realize I need to be careful about that, healing takes time, I can't rush it too much.

Labor day weekend means three days without work. Three days of trying to figure out how not to go out of my mind. The weekends are the worst because of all that time. I've been pretty good about filling it up though. Obviously I write a lot more. Too bad most of it is about the same thing, her. Well I did write a poem, still about her but at least it was a bit more creative. Let me share it with you internet as my final thought to this post.



Chalice

The true embrace of love's kiss is such a thorny pleasure,
Beguiled are we as we drown ourselves within,
Unstable, unaware and unmeasured.

Throw ourselves unto the wall to shatter well upon it,
Swirl the broken pieces thinking they will reassemble,
Then walk away a defeated soul with lessons in scored writ.

The silent screams, the loud whispers, a contained explosion, full of nothing;
The depths of hell and the heights of heaven,
Are a moments breath in the shadow of it's wings.

Resign yourself to here and not in a charged world,
Hope must be tempered with wisdom.
Let go to take hold...

Reflux

I think the worst part of the emotional damage is how extreme all of you emotions are. I get so happy that I get to be free of her prison and then so sad because it wasnt really a prison. I stayed with her willingly and would be sorely tempted to do so again if she changed her mind about us. Then anger because why would she do this? Why leave me for another man, I'm a good guy! I never hurt her, I showed her respect and love as much as possible. I gave her whatever she wanted. I loved her to no end. At least I keep telling myself that but I think still I loved the idea of her as well. And that is dangerous, it is were I think I did fail her, if I was satisfied with the idea of her then I would fail to see if I was doing enough to actual satisfy her. And obviously I wasn't. Then there is envy, she gives some strange man that she knew from 20 years ago what I craved for years and never got, an open doorway to her heart. Then the rage at the injustice of it all. She gets to have what she wants and toss me aside. Then despair, at what we will be putting our son through because of this. Then it all cycles again, same emotions, same reasons and sometimes additional reasons. Its so frustrating it makes want to claw at my skin to get out of it sometimes. I want to explode and implode at the same time. But I feel it all, and work through it and try to keep telling myself, it doesn't matter. Because I will heal and have a brighter future for it. And my son will be ok, yes there will be challenges, and they will lead to his own greater understanding and healing that in turn will hopefully end up being a better life for him as well. Instead of how things are now with his two relatiionship role models failing to show him how a relationship should be...

Unfriend

We had a confrontation today. She has this weird idea that I'm going to continue to be her friend, help her when she needs, etc. even though she threw our relationship away. Somehow she is able to screw another man and destroy our family and still think that we can somehow revert to some form of friendship, as if we haven't spent the last eight years together as lovers... yeah...

So, obviously, she felt so little about our relationship that doing this to us hasn't effected her. Because she seems to have no clue about how I could feel like I don't want to have anything to do with her anymore. She is confused that I want to break away from her. Heaven knows I love her, I had another sob last night thinking about all that I am losing in her, but to be so obtuse... The girl has issues, it's sad and I really hope someday she gets help. I need help too, and I am seeing a councilor still and reading books... yeah, gold star sticker right *sarcasm*? Ultimately I just hope for the best in all this. I hope my son gets through this mess we are putting him in. I hope I will be healthy on my own. I hope one day I will find someone again that won't treat me like a doormat and then throw me away when I am used up. I hope.

The road not traveled

I spent the better part of today with friends that I was close to once and lost track of for the last three years. I became close to them the last time my soon to be ex risked the death of our relationship. When I had the option of getting back together and chose to do so, I chose as well to lose spending the time I was with these friends. I had to put so much effort into my marriage and family to give it the attention it deserved I could not do else. I wonder if that really was the case. Yes I have a young child which means there is a lot of time gone right there (and every minute is worth it I might add). But the other one took a lot of time to, she was selfish for my time and resources. I just gave up having friends in order to not 'rock the boat' with what I hoped to be my future with her and my son. I won't say I regret getting back with her. It was the right choice. But I do lament that the close friendship I had fell by the wayside.

Seeing them tonight gave me some hope that I can rekindle that to a small degree. I will be cautious only because I don't want to betray them in my offering of my time to them as I had to do that too them before. But I am hopeful for certain. And the amazing part about them, they welcomed me with open arms like I was the prodigal son. We just click and have fun together. I care about them and they care right back. I told them about the divorce. I didn't want to, it's such burdening information, but they asked how things were and I don't like to act like things are ok when they are not. And they were 100% supportive, as if 3 years had not past and we were doing this before. I tried to reassure them though this time I was doing fine, I am, and that I was happy to have some more free time so I could hopefully see them more than I have in the past years. So another positive of being free of this relationship. Being free to have friends again and rekindling lost, or at least dusty, relationships with friends. I love you, my friends, for being so understanding. I feel like a jerk for not keeping you better. I will try harder not to be a fair-weather friend or so whipped as to forsake any friendship in my future efforts to find the person I will be spending the rest of my life with (if she exists)...

Full day

I am still experiencing time as if each week is a year for me. Meaning my own internal experience of time is moving rapidly compared to the actual amount to time happening. In laymens terms I describe it as living a year for each week. That means its almost been four years since I found out my wife cheated on me and doomed our marriage to its demise. I have almost accepted the fact that she threw me away for another man. A man she loved decades ago but had to put on hold as he went to jail. The timing of finding him free during the seven days she went back home to her family is uncanny. And just like that her and my relationship was no more. As if it had never been because she wants to pick up where her and this man had left off. As if I was just another placeholder for him. I feel so used, so unwanted, so worthless. It's horrid. I feel like my life of the past eight years of our relationship was a lie. I hate her so much for this. And yet I love her so much that I hate myself for hating her.

It's not her I am holding onto I realize, merely the ideal of her. The movie romance where we love each other and grow old together. Reality has set in to show me what a lie that ideal was. Oh world, was it really so unrealistic of me to seek the ideal? She is an amazing woman in spite of the obvious flaws. Why couldn't I have a life of loving her and being loved by her? Why couldn't my son see that example such that when he has his own family he could carry on that tradition of love? Why couldn't we change this fucked up world just a little to give it a taste of what heaven could be? Why, oh world, could this not be? How beautifully disgusting self pity can be...

Back to the present, thanks to how much time I perceive to have, I have been able to do many things very quickly per the real scale of time. I have been healing rapidly, I have been moving the divorce along at a record pace, I have been preparing for my soon to be new future and so on. Today she and I signed the marital settlement agreement. That is a big part of the divorce itself. Thankfully this divorce has gone uncontested, she and I agree on equal sharing of our son and our property. This has given me a bit of my power back, a bit of freedom and hope for my future without her. She didn't try to fight the divorce from happening at all. It hurts that she wants this divorce too so she can have her new love in her life as soon as possible.

Then, also today, I had four teeth extracted. The pain of losing her is still greater than that by a long shot. I did have local anesthetic though so I didn't feel too much pain. Except for the infected tooth where no amount of numbing reduced the pain of its removal. As I write this I am on the generic equivalent of loratab. I wonder if I will read back this post later and see how the pain pills where influencing me. I think the self pity party is partly thanks to the meds actually. I seem to have had a regression of sorts on my feelings tonight as I terribly miss her. Even though I have been working real hard to let her go with moderate success. Anyway, another day in paradise. I wish I would just wake up for this nightmare...

Helping myself

I bought a book called "Getting Past Your Breakup" by Susan J. Elliott. I haven't made it far but I already see this will be helpful to my current situation. I feel like I do know how I need to heal but read her words and the comments she included in her book help me feel not as alone as I have. The grief and resulting pain is normal and necessary. The changes I have been making, there have been quite a few, are toward the good for me. I need to practice responding more than reacting and as I work through the loss that will get better.

Her no contact policy is good advice and I realize, because of my choice to continue to live with my soon to be ex, that I have prolonged the efforts I will need to take to recover from all this. I still think it was the best thing to do all around but I have to work much harder to keep out of her business and to keep her out of mine. Her recommendation to limit conversation to the topic of my son is a good one and I plan to follow it. I am doing ok today, had a bit of a breakdown yesterday though. One tough thing about all this is how the hurt will just sneak up on you. Triggered by some sensory input or even just a thought and then I have to struggle to let is go. To recognize it for what it is and accept myself and how I am feeling.

My councelor appointment is tomorrow, I am looking forward to it. Though I really do know what I am going to talk about. Last week I started to tell her about the letters to my wife as she was when she wasn't a cold hearted spoiled little girl and she mentioned reading them this session. I was happy o last week, now I'm not so sure. They seem slightly irrelevant now as I find myself losing my need to write them. I am tempted to start asking about some of the next phase in my healing instead, How do I never contribute to this happening again...

The illuminated and the shaded

My son learned to ride a bike without training wheels today. Admits on this anguish is this pure moment of joy. It was a triumph for him. I am so proud of you son. Any dad who has experienced this can attest to how amazing this seemingly small even is for us. I had to stand there and think to myself amidst this joy, "And we are losing our family...". Such a horrid thought to worm it's way in to my mind. It could not damper the power of the moment though. I was so happy I shared it with the woman that threw me away. This was beyond my hurt and sorrow. Beyond my anger and confusion. As I said, it was a pure moment. I am so grateful to you son to have been a part of this, to watch your success. I love you.

Later on while we were sitting together my son asked me how I met mommy. So I gave him a decent summary of the events 8 years ago to now. It hurt to think this is all coming to an end. That I am the one acting and my soon to be ex supports my every step. It hurts so bad that she doesn't want me anymore. Hold on to your love if you can make it work. As long as the both of you are willing to keep trying, even if it's the smallest of effort per day. Do it! Don't lose her or him. Don't leave her feeling so cold that she someday decides to throw your heart away for another man or visa versa. Don't risk it. Don't be like me. Life is too precious to experience alone, share it with someone and share in their life.

Proposition

So I just looked in my drafts and found this, it is weird to think about the time since I wrote this (I wrote it last year). Figured I'd post it now. By the way, truth is still the biggest thorn in my side :)

IF church(x) = doctrine(1) + doctrine(2) + ... + doctrine(n)
THEN
church(x) == TRUE, IF AND ONLY IF, ((doctrine(1) == TRUE) AND (doctrine(2) == TRUE) AND ... AND (doctrine(n) == TRUE))

I've been on a spiritual quest, if you will, for about a year and a half now and truth by far is the biggest thorn in my side. Especially logically thinking about which church is true. I have some personal conclusions I won't share here but I did come up with this funny sort of psuedo logic in my efforts.

Closed Door Policy

The chasm caused by our falling apart has caused a very real chasm in our family. We all still live in the same apartment for financial reasons. I moved into what was the office. Now I sit here in my room, door closed and alone, so does my soon to be ex in her room and so does my son in his. Seeing him do what mommy and daddy are doing tears at my heart. This place is a tomb for the dead. It's tragic and melancholy. I am brought to tears at the example our son will have from his parents as there is no love or affection, only business transactions. I dream of her every night, of how she was, of how we were. I keep holding on while trying to let go. It tears me apart. I ask why she wanted this, how could she want this. This living death. And then I think again she has someone else already so it's easier for her. She also has had four years of practice to wall off her heart, according to her, so it is life as usual for her. I am the odd one because I fought to hold on. I act strange in her eyes because I can't quite let go and yet i force myself to do just that. I don't like the fallout from all this, this closed door policy is just another needle in my heart. I wonder if there will anything left when this is all over.

Letting go...

I was deceiving myself a bit in my last post when I said that making the choice for divorce meant I could let go of the pain and chaos. Sure it helped but the pain comes back in waves crashing against my psyche. I will be fine for a time, even a day, then it hits me and I drown in my hurt from what she did. It's like she tossed me aside like a bit of trash. I was in her heart before her travels then I was shoved out and that heart thief was put in my place. And I was none the wiser until I found the mistakenly sent email recording her need and want of the heart thief and her desire to hide their trist.

I have been studying a lot about oxytocin and how a close relationship will help produce this good-feeling chemical within us. How the loss of the bond reduces/stops its production leading to a very real feeling of pain. I have certainly experienced all this first hand. I look at my soon to be ex and wonder if the reason she hasn't is because the heart thief is there to maintain it for her. Probably and the interesting effect is that she sees my recent behavior as out of the ordinary while hers is not to her. Like she forgot she let another mans penis inside her as she let him violate her heart. So she is still getting that affection from someone else where as I have no one. It is so sad she can't see what she did to us.

I feel desperate at times to find a connection to replace her, to find the feeling of being loved again. But I pull bak because I don't want to seek out someone in desperation, I think hat would be unhealthy. Instead I try to console myself an fill my time with anything to keep from feeling the pain. I bike a lot nowadays. It's good being as I was very sedentary and thus i am rather obese. Being around her is hard, but it's necessary right now for financial reasons. It gives me more time with my son, so no complaints and much gratitude for this time. I wish I could just throw her out of my heart like she did, I guess it's good I can't as it shows I'm not the heartless one. Why did she have to behi way? She is a good mother and a decent person. Why do this? It causes me so much cognitive dissonance...

Some things can't be fixed

Its been a little while. Things have took a drastic turn since my last post. I am divorcing my wife. Well I am divorcing the woman that was my wife at one time. The woman that I see now isn't her. But I digress, let me bring this sad tale up to current. We got into a small argument on Saturday, I can't even remember the details other than the feeling I had. I was done with trying, I gave up on hope for rehabilitation. And I started separating our lives. It didn't phase my soon to be ex one bit. She wants this too. I was hoping it could be a big warning for her, but it wasn't it was a relief. That hurt a little.

So Saturday was separation day, separating finances, bills, etc. Sunday was more of the same though I got to spend time with my kid which is the best thing about life right now. Monday I met with a lawyer and he gave me some good detail on what I need to do. My son got to spend the night again as well. Tuesday was the last day at the hotel. I was happy for today, Wednesday, to happen so it went by pretty fast. Things are getting better every day by the way. I have let go of hope of this working so I have become free to let go of most of the pain and chaotic emotions. It's still there and I have to turn to others such as my amazing mother for help but it's better. I understand divorce,now not as a punishment for failure but, as a release to a new life. And it will be a death to this twisted ugly broken relationship. I am just looking forward to that day at this point. I will have to tough it out at home with my soon to be ex wife the stranger until then.

It's been a little rocky emotionally on this first day back. Especially when she worriedly asked me if I have had any violent thoughts about her lately. That hurt. I haven't ever raised a hand to her and never would. I used to watch my dad beat my mom, the hell I will ever be like that. I feel bad when I swear at her. It's so sad that I feel like the villain, my wife cheated on me, wants to be with that failure of a man and wants me out of her life but I'm the bad guy. Fantastically tradgic. Oh well I don't have to be with her anymore. Well in about 4 to 6 months I won't anyway. And my eyes are on the prize, freedom from her frosty cruel ways is just around the bend...

Dreams

My son just told me about a dream he had last night. It tore my soul in twain, I could do nothing else at first but hug him tight and wish away his sadness and fear. He dreamed he was on a ship and he fell off into the ocean. The metaphor wad immediately clear. He then said "I wish that you and mommy could just be together again." He said "I feel happy when I am with mommy and I feel happy when I am with you but I feel happiest when you two are together." I started to cry but quickly stopped, I didn't want to burden him with that sadness any more than he was already doing to himself. It made me so upset at me and my wife, in that order.

I repeated to him something I have a lot lately. I told him that he has us both in his heart, so he doesn't need to feel sad when he isn't with one of us. I told him to look there and he would find us, because we are always with him. He asked how he could see his heart with his eyes :) I told him to close his eyes and he said "I still can't see it." Then I told him not to look with his eyes but to feel us there, and asked him did he see us now. He said he did. I told him that God is there to, that he makes it possible for us to be there and that everyone he loves, and will ever love, is there as well. He mentioned satirically he's glad love isnt heavy because that would weigh a ton. I told him love is amazing because it does not weigh anything and yet it is so massive that in encompasses the universe. I followed it up with another hug.

Being that he is six there is a lot I could not tell him, I will instead say it here and perhaps one day he will get to hear this...

I love you do much son, I wish I could just magically make this better for you and it tears me apart that I can't. I have no control over how mommy feels and I tried my best to hold on to us. She isn't happy though, and it's just not good if I were to continue to fight with her for us to stay together, it's not the right way. So I gave her space and I am having to let her go. I am just not strong enough to love her so much and have to be on my own like this. Truth is I am not heathly right now either being like this. Love is not needy, it is giving. It is not isolated but all encompassing. Mommy isolated herself because I failed to give her the love she needed when she needed it. Now she is trapped in her isolation and I am becoming isolated. That means I am becoming trapped too but don't want to do that to myself and so I am having to let go. I can't help mommy now though I wish with all of me that I could. She understands that I want to help her but she has isolated herself for so long, and I failed to see it and try to help her, that its safe for her to be like that now. It is our fault son not yours, never yours. I am so sorry I failed you son. I am so sorry I failed her. Truth is I failed myself too. I hope I may one day be forgiven by each of you but if not I understand, I love you all just the same.

Sleep

Sleep is awesome. I feel really sad still but I am much more rational. I do think it helped that my son was here. It's telling about what I want as an outcome with this trial in my wife's and my relationship. I don't want to lose being a part of my family. Unfortunately, I don't feel I have much choice. My wife is not choosing for us to work together on rebuilding what we tore down. You can't be in a relationship with someone else by yourself.

Fatigued Gratitude

The lack of a good nights sleep for the past couple weeks is catching up with me. I got into work this morning and after only two hours I had to lay on the floor and attempt some semblance of rest. When I get hired on to a new company this may be one thing I miss about being in business for myself. My emotions are running me ragged. I talked with my mother in law today about her daughter and my failing relationship. All I could do was apologize for my part.

It hurts so bad, to be severed from someone you love and yet to see them so frequently. To know you were once lucky enough to cherish that person and she cherished you. To have a secure knowledge of your bright future together. Then to have it shatter into a million pieces. And the fatigue, while physical, is also mental. I am so tired of having to relive these emotions over and over. All it takes is the wrong thought, word, sight, smell, sound, etc. and I am reliving the realization that I was bretrayed and deceived. I want to find an end only if just to escape this incessant cycle of toxic emotional garbage. Then to still have to be there for her in her times of need, while I and my needs are tossed aside like some used condom... I am so tired.

On the dimly lit bright side of things, there is my son. My shining ray of hope in this never ending void. He is staying with me tonight, I am so grateful for that one boon, he is my only joy right now. In fact I am going to stop waxing emo and get back to enjoying what time I have left this night with him. I love you so much son...

Councel of the Damned

My last post talked about my hope and desperate need for the marriage coucelor. The events of last night and today have turned it all into numb despair. The entire time we were in that session Tanya repeated the same message in all that she said, "He hurt me four years ago and I will not forgive him". I saw the end of hope, it died in my heart leaving soot and ash in its wake. I confronted her after we got home. I tried desparately to win her heart, even if it was just the smallest of slivers possible. And I kept crashing into that wall of her's that she has erected against me, over and over. That is not love, not for me to need her out of desperation and not for her to close herself off from me.

In the end we are now taking a break. I am sitting in a hotel writing this. Away from the shell that was my wife. Away from my last vestige of sanity and love, my son. I am now one of the damned, a failure who could not bring light to his family. And my damned wife is the one who brought me here to wallow in hell with her because she would not forgive me. Instead she trampled over the heart of mine that I had given her by fucking another man after promising never to cheat again. I don't lament being here now, I only lament the fight I failed to win, the fight to save our relationship from itself.

Mornings...

Sleep is nice. I haven't been getting much lately but I just got 7 hours and that is great. Impressive even, considering its only been a week since I found out about her infidelity. I don't like mornings still though. When I sleep I can almost forget all this in my dreams. Sometimes not, but many times it's almost as if this didn't happen and things still seem fine between my wife and I.

Then I wake up and I remember, thinking to myself, "Oh yeah, she slept with another man and gave him intimacy that you haven't had with her in years". I then spend the rest of the day trying to remove the shaky pressure in the pit of my stomach, that hurt/anxiety/paranoia/depression/anger/jealousy/desperation feeling I now carry every day. It isn't constant, there are some times that I am better than others.

Today we are visiting a counselor, I can't tell you how much I need this, I feel like I am drowning and this is a chance to come up for some air. I really hope she can help us, I really don't want to lose my wife. Mornings are rough.

Dropping Sands

Time is your enemy when you are hurt. The pain is prolonged, as if time was a torturer. Every new moment brings uncertainty and chaos. Can we survive this? Does my wife want me any more? Will she ever stop ending up in these cycles of betrayal and deception? Am I sane to love her and fight for her even when she hurts me? Why can't I reach her soul? Why does she persist about being pessimistic about our recovery? As if she expects us to fail.

I hate the powerlessness of it all. I can't change anything, I don't even have control over my emotions. I'm so fraud of making the wrong choice with what actions I can take that I paralyze myself. Ll I want is my wife back, is that really to much to ask? I can't even turn to god anymore because I question what faith I had. I am alone even though people surround me. I want to talk to someone so bad, to connect with them. And yet I'm holding on because I don't want to be without the chance to see my family healthily again and if I leave that would be like giving up on them. Giving up on my son and wife? I would rather not.

Emotional Sine Wave

The weekend was a grand mix of the dramatic and the pleasant. I asked my wife out on a date earlier last week and Saturday was the day. Before that, though, we spent most of Saturday running errands. School is starting and my son still needed some things prepared. He's going into the First Grade this year and I'm really excited for him. I liked school growing up and I hope for him that it will be the same. Also, to be able to be a part of this as his dad, will be new and wonderful for me as well.

We finished our errands and dropped our son off before our date. The date was rough for my wife and I. We tried Sri Lanken cuisine for the first time and it was interesting to say the least. We talked a lot during the meal to the time when we picked up our son afterward. The result of which led me to realize that I am being really impatient with the healing process.

Three years ago, when I went through this, I spent months stuck in a deep pit of despair. I didn't make much effort to work out what I was going through for myself. It was very gradual to learn some of the techniques of dealing with the emotions and working out my thoughts on everything that had happened. So without realizing it, this time around I have taken a different approach, speed healing.

You may be thinking that I just spoke an oxymoron and I would agree with you. I guess what I am trying to say is that I don't want to just sit around for months and wallow in self pity and grief. What happened... happened. My wife had an emotional and physical affair with another man. I can't change that so living in denial or longing for the time before it happened isn't going to help anything.

So yeah, I have been jumping right in. As evident here I am writing a lot more again, I have stepped up my exercise, I have been staying away from video games (a strong form of escape for me), etc. And as I want my relationship with my wife to continue I have been trying really hard to work through this with her. She is at a different pace then I am though and I realized during our talk on our date that I am being very intense and almost trying to push us along towards rebuilding our bond.

It has back-fired to a degree because, as she told me, I have been pushing her away. What I came to realize again, I have encountered this philosophy before, is that one method of dealing with severe hurt from another individual is to put up an emotional barrier between you and that person. Essentially walling yourself off from that person. Four years ago when I failed to be there as much as my wife needed me when she was dealing with the death of her father she put up that barrier to protect herself from me. And I failed to realize that it never much changed from then until now.

When we got back together I thought we were on the rode to recovery but truth is I was/am a dolt. I can't seem to be able to ever look deep enough at an issue to see the underlining factors involved. Especially with emotional issues where I am, for all intense purposes, a novice. She was, in many cases, putting on an act to keep us together for our son. I am saddened greatly by this because she should not have had to do that for us. I won't accept responsibility for her part in all of this but I definitely have had my role to play and my act didn't help use grow closer together but further apart.

With this realization however and us talking through it, a positive understanding did happen between my wife and I. Call it progress. And as a result Sunday felt different then the rest of the week had. I let go a bit of my anxiety. I let go of needing proof that my wife wants to put 'us' back together. She was a little more open, perhaps not emotionally, but in action. We spent time together and didn't just spend time in the same room with each other. We spent time as a family too, which is the top priority to us as parents.

We're not fixed, we are not healed but we are a step closer and any progress at all is precious and wonderful.

Early mornings

I woke up after only 4 hours of sleep and couldn't go back. I stared into the darkness feeling empty and yet was bursting out of myself all at the same time. My mind was a wheel of thoughts turning and turning over the same things again and again. For a while I was violently sobbing, but I had to keep silent as I didnt want to wake up my wife or son. I imagine it would had just looked like I was shaking to an outside observer. I then just rocked back and forth a little while, it was comforting.

Then something good started to happen. I decided to get up to go escape in a tv series when my wife woke up. I admitted to her what I had been doing and, at first, I tried to get away so I wouldn't have to face my weakness in her eyes. But she called me back and said magical words "Do you want to talk?" I am so grateful she did. I am hurting by what she did but I care for her and hate that I am continuing to be this reminder of her shame. It's just another one of the seemingly endless contradictions that are now a part of me. So we talked, I want to stress that more... WE talked.

She had to, once again, listen to my ravings and put up with me as I made her feel guilty all over again. I need her help so bad. And she opened up to me, it was a most courageous and self sacrificing act as she bared some of her vulnerability to me. I really hope I didn't hurt her when she was exposed. I really tried to listen, accept and comfort. But I am so damaged that I know a lot of what i said failed to come out right. I can't tell you the depths of gratitude I feel for this small moment. We are still very much broken but this was a step towards healing for me. I sadly don't think it was for her and wish I could know how I can help her too.

Dazed and Confused

I feel the frustration and hopelessness of being lost. I am afraid to act and yet to not act is equally terrifying. I am stripped of my delusions, which isn't a bad thing, except that the reality I see is depressing. I want to just give up and find a hole to hide in. I am walking chaos contained in a fragile box bursting at the seems and yet I try to hold it in because I don't want to lose anything.

I am battered and broken and yet I still try to reconcile with the one that left me in this state. It hurts and makes me rage at myself. I am not a bad person, I should not have put up with this. But I don't want to lose anything.

I lost my wife years ago I realize, she has just been a shell of who she was. But I want her back. I want us back. Not just for the sake of my son (which is very important) but for her sake and for mine. I don't want to lose anything.

I have no idea if it will work. If anything at least my son will not know any hardship for a little while longer. If we can't fix this then I will have failed but lately it seems like that is all that I do. I hate the self defeat I am feeling, it's putrid. I don't want to lose anything. I don't want to lose my son. I don't want to lose my wife. I don't want to lose myself.