Dazed and Confused

I feel the frustration and hopelessness of being lost. I am afraid to act and yet to not act is equally terrifying. I am stripped of my delusions, which isn't a bad thing, except that the reality I see is depressing. I want to just give up and find a hole to hide in. I am walking chaos contained in a fragile box bursting at the seems and yet I try to hold it in because I don't want to lose anything.

I am battered and broken and yet I still try to reconcile with the one that left me in this state. It hurts and makes me rage at myself. I am not a bad person, I should not have put up with this. But I don't want to lose anything.

I lost my wife years ago I realize, she has just been a shell of who she was. But I want her back. I want us back. Not just for the sake of my son (which is very important) but for her sake and for mine. I don't want to lose anything.

I have no idea if it will work. If anything at least my son will not know any hardship for a little while longer. If we can't fix this then I will have failed but lately it seems like that is all that I do. I hate the self defeat I am feeling, it's putrid. I don't want to lose anything. I don't want to lose my son. I don't want to lose my wife. I don't want to lose myself.