Early mornings

I woke up after only 4 hours of sleep and couldn't go back. I stared into the darkness feeling empty and yet was bursting out of myself all at the same time. My mind was a wheel of thoughts turning and turning over the same things again and again. For a while I was violently sobbing, but I had to keep silent as I didnt want to wake up my wife or son. I imagine it would had just looked like I was shaking to an outside observer. I then just rocked back and forth a little while, it was comforting.

Then something good started to happen. I decided to get up to go escape in a tv series when my wife woke up. I admitted to her what I had been doing and, at first, I tried to get away so I wouldn't have to face my weakness in her eyes. But she called me back and said magical words "Do you want to talk?" I am so grateful she did. I am hurting by what she did but I care for her and hate that I am continuing to be this reminder of her shame. It's just another one of the seemingly endless contradictions that are now a part of me. So we talked, I want to stress that more... WE talked.

She had to, once again, listen to my ravings and put up with me as I made her feel guilty all over again. I need her help so bad. And she opened up to me, it was a most courageous and self sacrificing act as she bared some of her vulnerability to me. I really hope I didn't hurt her when she was exposed. I really tried to listen, accept and comfort. But I am so damaged that I know a lot of what i said failed to come out right. I can't tell you the depths of gratitude I feel for this small moment. We are still very much broken but this was a step towards healing for me. I sadly don't think it was for her and wish I could know how I can help her too.