Dad...

In two weeks, it will have been a year since he died. I wish I can say I've been healing and mending well but I feel like such a failure because I'm just barely hanging on. I put up a good front for everyone else but inside I am naught but confusion and chaos. I bounce back pretty good from things eventually and I don't let myself fail ultimately at these kinds of processes but this has been the hardest yet for me.

In spite of the aforementioned confusion and chaos I do know what actions I can take to help myself get further than to just cope. I'm going to try more and do better. I don't want to fail or lose to this grief. Plus Dad would think I'm an idiot for doing so. I'm a very self centered person most of the time so it's easy for me to let things like this go so long and just dwell in my own muddy pit of self pity.

Well it's not doing anyone any good being this way and it's certainly not about Dad. He's gone now. I miss him and I miss who I was when he was alive because I was more okay than I am now. So time to try to become whoever I am to be, now that he isn't a part of my present, instead of just wallowing and waiting for some magic change in myself. I love you Dad. I will be stronger.