Wandering in a mist of madness
The wife did prove true and we are back together, have been since April. It's been depressing and wonderful at the same time. There has been no greater joy for me than to be with my son. My heart isn't open much to my wife anymore and that is the depressing part because my feelings for her and how well we get along are always oscillating. I love her but I don't want to love her as deeply as I used to. I catch myself wondering at times, where there is opportunity, if she is cheating on me again. I try to keep the paranoia to a minimum but I still let myself feel it sometimes so I don't just push those feelings under a rug and hope they go away.
Oddly enough her betrayal earlier this year set me up to be stronger in the face of another betrayer. One made by my former business partner and friend of twenty years. He decided to leave the company taking one of our clients and the software we created with him. His rationale was that he wanted a stable 9 to 5 job with health benefits for the sake of his family. To me, though I could be irrational because it affected me negatively, it looks like he was justifying his actions by the end result of the benefits to his family. To me his actions look like theft and betrayal. I didn't take it well but I have learned a bit about betrayal so even though I have been obsessive to a degree in my mind about it, I have been trying to forgive and forget. I don't want to have anything to do with him but I won't be free if I never let it go.
Overall I think I am insane at some level. I don't know who I really am at times. I don't do what I know I should much of the time either. I was very close to God for a while and now I've drifted away again. I want to do something with my life besides computers but I am at a loss as to what. I want to make sure when I commit to that something I stay committed long term. I've drifted away from most of my other dear friends. It's not the betrayers' fault or my families' or anyone else's for that matter, just mine. That is part of the insanity because these people are great and yet I turn away from them. Could be a fear of some kind but if so I haven't identified it yet. Despite my drifting from God I haven't lost my gratitude to him in feeling if not in deed. I could be worse off, I could not be here for that matter. And there is still my son to consider, he is the single greatest joy that I seem to let myself feel I have. I can only hope, and try, to make every effort to do right by him...
Oddly enough her betrayal earlier this year set me up to be stronger in the face of another betrayer. One made by my former business partner and friend of twenty years. He decided to leave the company taking one of our clients and the software we created with him. His rationale was that he wanted a stable 9 to 5 job with health benefits for the sake of his family. To me, though I could be irrational because it affected me negatively, it looks like he was justifying his actions by the end result of the benefits to his family. To me his actions look like theft and betrayal. I didn't take it well but I have learned a bit about betrayal so even though I have been obsessive to a degree in my mind about it, I have been trying to forgive and forget. I don't want to have anything to do with him but I won't be free if I never let it go.
Overall I think I am insane at some level. I don't know who I really am at times. I don't do what I know I should much of the time either. I was very close to God for a while and now I've drifted away again. I want to do something with my life besides computers but I am at a loss as to what. I want to make sure when I commit to that something I stay committed long term. I've drifted away from most of my other dear friends. It's not the betrayers' fault or my families' or anyone else's for that matter, just mine. That is part of the insanity because these people are great and yet I turn away from them. Could be a fear of some kind but if so I haven't identified it yet. Despite my drifting from God I haven't lost my gratitude to him in feeling if not in deed. I could be worse off, I could not be here for that matter. And there is still my son to consider, he is the single greatest joy that I seem to let myself feel I have. I can only hope, and try, to make every effort to do right by him...