Finding an apartment...

I'm going to be moving out early. I thought it was a good idea to stay in the house until the end of the year for my sons sake but I may have just been fooling myself. The divorce and my new life are inevitable and so is my son having to deal with mommy and daddy not being together anymore. All I was doing is delaying the inevitable hurt and shock. And it's not comfortable at that place anymore. It's not my home...

On brighter news my new job is amazing, it has been challenging and the people here are great. I look forward to working with them and learning from them for a long time to come. Being I'm so busy during the week I have less time to think, which in some way is good, have some peace from the mess of this situation.

I look at my ex and see such denial about what she did to us. I don't think she wants to admit to herself how she destroyed our family when she cheated on me and decided she wanted to be with that guy instead. It's irritating and sad, because I have to deal with it and she chooses to hide from it. But I will heal, and in truth I have a sincere hope for her happiness, that she faces her demons and heals as well. I still love her and that won't probably change, it will just dull over time.

Someday I may try being in a relationship again. When I'm healed and strong enough. When I don't feel like I will be bring the baggage of my previous relationship an it's end in with me to a new relationship. Above all else I am takin the time to find peace with myself and to learn to love life again. It's a daily struggle but it's becoming better every day.

Theorizing Relationships

I am going to do something healthy and deviate from my usual angst and talk about relationships in general. A couple of good friends and I talked a lot this evening about this subject. It started off with the idea of our capacity to know what is true. We talked about starting with a premise of not accepting the truth from any source until tested to a subjective yet thorough satisfaction level. And that very few things are easy to define as true; specifically in regards to more esoteric constructs that may currently be too complex for us to yet define scientifically. Via experience, one of my friends stated that so far love and producing healthy relationship bonds seem to be the only two ideas that hold up for him in this category. I agreed to find them to be true for myself, my thought being that we have evolved to have relationships and express acts of love as a means to create and maintain them. That healthy bonds and acts of love, as a species, are valuable traits to build community. As community is an advantageous way to adapt to our environment in spite of what may be otherwise inhospitable were it not possible. From there we talked about the impact of bonds and subsequently community on its surroundings. We discussed the idea of the existence of species capable of creating community as impacting reality. Almost as gravity is the observed effect of mass warping the space around it so are individuals with the capacity for bonds capable of warping others around them for good or ill. Continuing communities then could do the same with other communities. Taking this microscopically perhaps then the human race, by our existence, will also impact other alien species with the capability to have community. It's not to say it is inevitable however if alien contact is made, whether we exist or simple via the artifacts we leave behind, then the impact will occur at some level. It was fun to think about. And perhaps we are just a small part of the cosmic community of this reality. It is very interesting to live in a universe were such complexity exists. It may bring a positive motivation inside each of us towards heathly relationships created and maintained with acts of love. It gives me much desired hope for my future considering my present troubles.

Bound to Circumstance

A lot of the reading I've done talks about going no contact (NC) with your ex. There are added difficulties to this with children but it is recommended to limit communication to subjects related to you children then. It's tough to do. I also choose to continue to live in the same apartment with my ex and son or at least the next four months which has added difficulty. My reasoning was sound, though, and my son is the motivation.

I went through a divorce myself as a kid and I understand how difficult it can be to be a child as the world you thought you knew is torn asunder. I, as much as possible, have been doing everything I can think of to ease my son into these new changes. Thus, while he does now know we are getting a divorce, I am still here living with him and his mommy. So he can learn to cope with my eventual departure while having access to me still. I wanted to show as much support and care I could for him, to hopefully bring him to a better place than I was when I went through this. I don't want him to have the same psychological issues, or the same emotional trauma that still effects me as an adult.

Back to the NC subject, the difficulty truly lies in that my son is of the greatest priority. So I try, as much as I can, to show that mommy and daddy can get along even though they aren't in love anymore. For my sons sake. And that leads to a much slower healing position for myself. A lot of the time I feel like I'm stuck. I can't go back, obviously, but I can't move forward and heal either... Well, at least completely. And I am my own greatest saboteur as well. I pay attention to everything that goes on in my exs life, a much as reasonably possible anyway. And that is we're I really need to let go and just tell myself, "It doesn't matter" over and over until it finally is the case.

Ultimately I didn't want this path, this future, for any of us. I would have rather worked on putting things back together. I felt forced into having to let go and to proceed through the divorce. I wasn't forced, though. I had a choice... But it wasnt a good one. I could have just kept hanging on while my ex treated me like shit and while I was driven mad with pain. I could have done that, but I chose to heal. I chose to divorce her and move on. Its interesting how you can make a choice but then have to spend so much time attempting to understand and accept that choice afterward...

To fast to respond

This week went by fast, kind of nice. I think my perception of time is finally starting to be normal again. All the paperwork is done for the divorce now that the classes are done. So now it's just a matter of time. I have already felt divorced for a month now so this is more of a formality where my heart is concerned. The hard part now will be living here for at least the next four months. I'm ready to get on with my life and leave her behind. I've started to refer to her as my ex now. It was weird the first couple times I forced myself to say it. Someday, sadly, it will feel entirely normal. I still am having a hell of a time letting go, I just loved her too much. I feel like its going to takes years to completely get over her. I sure hope not but that is what I feel....