Fatigued Gratitude

The lack of a good nights sleep for the past couple weeks is catching up with me. I got into work this morning and after only two hours I had to lay on the floor and attempt some semblance of rest. When I get hired on to a new company this may be one thing I miss about being in business for myself. My emotions are running me ragged. I talked with my mother in law today about her daughter and my failing relationship. All I could do was apologize for my part.

It hurts so bad, to be severed from someone you love and yet to see them so frequently. To know you were once lucky enough to cherish that person and she cherished you. To have a secure knowledge of your bright future together. Then to have it shatter into a million pieces. And the fatigue, while physical, is also mental. I am so tired of having to relive these emotions over and over. All it takes is the wrong thought, word, sight, smell, sound, etc. and I am reliving the realization that I was bretrayed and deceived. I want to find an end only if just to escape this incessant cycle of toxic emotional garbage. Then to still have to be there for her in her times of need, while I and my needs are tossed aside like some used condom... I am so tired.

On the dimly lit bright side of things, there is my son. My shining ray of hope in this never ending void. He is staying with me tonight, I am so grateful for that one boon, he is my only joy right now. In fact I am going to stop waxing emo and get back to enjoying what time I have left this night with him. I love you so much son...