Life humbles you...

Beware of ever feeling like you are 'on top of things' in your life. Just when you do is when life reminds you of your pride and proceeds to humble you. I was feeling like perhaps after nine months of being single I'm starting to embrace my new life.

But I am shaking now after a conversation I just had with my former wife. She started with a 'what if' text asking what would happen in regards to custody if she and my son moved back to her home state, 1900 miles away. The only thing I could say at first was "you understand how devastating that would be to our son and me right?". I couldn't even really process what I was feeling yet. Nine months of life, since the moment I lost my family as it was came crashing into me in an instant. I started to write a book of a text message but thankfully she called me. It was better if she could hear my concerns. I've had this worry for some time truthfully, I even talked about it with my therapist.

So we talked, and I threw my pearls before swine yet again. Laying bear all the that I normally don't tell her and haven't for nine months. My sadness, anger and frustration over her actions, the actions of her co-conspirator; now boyfriend, and the resulting lives we now lead. It's so frustrating to be trapped like this, my current life is fairly happy but I feel the loss for what I was apart of. I can't just seem to embrace life as it is, but there is no going back it seems. After all there is nothing there with her but emptiness where once was a vibrant connection. Even on the phone, her reaction was the same... quiet, empty and ultimately cold. I can tell her that I loved her and still feel it even, but what does it matter to someone walled off from you?

She was reassuring that she doesn't want to move and separate son from dad. But then why consider it? Why ask your ex? Perhaps because it's an option she desires in her heart of hearts no matter what she says? I can't say for sure what the motivation was in spite of wanting to guess at it and, sadly, I still can't trust her.

At least I had my say, I didn't back down and cower away from my emotions or my position that no matter what my son won't be leaving this state. From a strategy standpoint I think I made a poor move by 'showing my hand'. See my lack of trust? I hate that I have to think like that with her even. Yet I do and ultimately I accept it was a risk to the wall I have myself put up. I do recognize the wall I have too at least.

All things considered, I just hope I don't get severely hurt for showing her my feelings like that. I feel a little hurt right now simply because I still want to connect with her and can't.

Cloud Atlas

I haven't really talked about movies in a while. This one touched my soul. I regret I missed its showing in the theaters. But, perhaps in recompense, I have watched it twice so far in the past week. I also have the book to read now. That being another thing I wish I had known about a lot sooner. I guess though all I can really say is that things will come to us in their own appointed hour.

Back to the movie... it's thought provoking, soulful and entertaining. What more can one ask for? I bought a couple extra copies to give to dear friends of mine. My only fear is that they buy it before I have chance to give them my gift.

I was sad to find out that it didn't do so well because it was a beautiful work of art in my opinion. I hope the artists that participated in this undertaking never get discouraged by the outcome. It would be sad if we lost out on future ventures that were daring to transcend conventional boundaries because of that...

Checking in...

Life has become a stable process again. I like patterns that maintain their order, always have. Change unbalances me more than I would like to let it. I am learning who this new me is more and more though I accept also I will never have it all figured out, and that change will happen again someday.

I am resigning myself to being single, it's not unfortunate really as I can't seem to find zen in a relationship. I fail at it greatly. Perhaps I'm just too self centered to be capable of it. In my heart of hearts I still long for that life long companionship and I am not writing it off as a possibility forever, just accepting it may not happen and learning to love life just the same.

I remember when I first met my ex, I used to tell her that I expected to be single and living in my moms basement at 40... You know that stereotype? Truth is, I don't know what will happen in the future, I can't plan a specific goal to save my life. I do have a general goal of having a house one day. Anda new cat perhaps if I can ever get over my loss for my old one. I still miss her very much.

Anyway life is life, mostly pleasant, maybe not zen but perhaps there is at least a rhythm leading to that. I hope you are doing well. If not, just remember... it will be ok.