Changes
Life is going to change next week. On Wednesday night the last thing that needs to be done for the divorce paperwork will be completed. Then it's just a waiting game for the courts to process the documents. Then in four or so months it will change again as I move into my own place and I start the rest of my life alone again. I wish I could get rid of the depression part of that statement. There are a lot of good things about being alone to look forward to. Plus the time put in is all towards me healing and being the best possible version of myself I can be. I'm tired with all the work but I was more tired of being so lazy and procrastinating about life so much.
I still miss the idea of my wife. I have almost accept that the woman I knew and the woman I live with were two different people. The woman I knew was much better than the woman I live with. That said the woman I live with ain't all bad. Yes she shattered my heart and doesn't think a thing about it as long as she has her new boyfriend. But she didn't fight me on the divorce or custody of my kid, she has been cordial if nothing else and, since our battle about what role she expects me to play versus the role I will play, she has left me alone for the most part. I guess it could be said in a way I have been alone for a month now. Since she threw away me for him because after that I didn't have a bond with her anymore. And of course I am being dramatic, I have many other wonderful people in my live. Which, by the way, an homage to each of them for being so amazing. I love you all for your support and love. I wish I wasn't so damaged that I needed your support, I realize that is what it means to love each other but I don't like being weak like this. I guess that is why I am working so hard and so fast. To heal and move on. I realize I need to be careful about that, healing takes time, I can't rush it too much.
Labor day weekend means three days without work. Three days of trying to figure out how not to go out of my mind. The weekends are the worst because of all that time. I've been pretty good about filling it up though. Obviously I write a lot more. Too bad most of it is about the same thing, her. Well I did write a poem, still about her but at least it was a bit more creative. Let me share it with you internet as my final thought to this post.
Chalice
The true embrace of love's kiss is such a thorny pleasure,
Beguiled are we as we drown ourselves within,
Unstable, unaware and unmeasured.
Throw ourselves unto the wall to shatter well upon it,
Swirl the broken pieces thinking they will reassemble,
Then walk away a defeated soul with lessons in scored writ.
The silent screams, the loud whispers, a contained explosion, full of nothing;
The depths of hell and the heights of heaven,
Are a moments breath in the shadow of it's wings.
Resign yourself to here and not in a charged world,
Hope must be tempered with wisdom.
Let go to take hold...
I still miss the idea of my wife. I have almost accept that the woman I knew and the woman I live with were two different people. The woman I knew was much better than the woman I live with. That said the woman I live with ain't all bad. Yes she shattered my heart and doesn't think a thing about it as long as she has her new boyfriend. But she didn't fight me on the divorce or custody of my kid, she has been cordial if nothing else and, since our battle about what role she expects me to play versus the role I will play, she has left me alone for the most part. I guess it could be said in a way I have been alone for a month now. Since she threw away me for him because after that I didn't have a bond with her anymore. And of course I am being dramatic, I have many other wonderful people in my live. Which, by the way, an homage to each of them for being so amazing. I love you all for your support and love. I wish I wasn't so damaged that I needed your support, I realize that is what it means to love each other but I don't like being weak like this. I guess that is why I am working so hard and so fast. To heal and move on. I realize I need to be careful about that, healing takes time, I can't rush it too much.
Labor day weekend means three days without work. Three days of trying to figure out how not to go out of my mind. The weekends are the worst because of all that time. I've been pretty good about filling it up though. Obviously I write a lot more. Too bad most of it is about the same thing, her. Well I did write a poem, still about her but at least it was a bit more creative. Let me share it with you internet as my final thought to this post.
Chalice
The true embrace of love's kiss is such a thorny pleasure,
Beguiled are we as we drown ourselves within,
Unstable, unaware and unmeasured.
Throw ourselves unto the wall to shatter well upon it,
Swirl the broken pieces thinking they will reassemble,
Then walk away a defeated soul with lessons in scored writ.
The silent screams, the loud whispers, a contained explosion, full of nothing;
The depths of hell and the heights of heaven,
Are a moments breath in the shadow of it's wings.
Resign yourself to here and not in a charged world,
Hope must be tempered with wisdom.
Let go to take hold...
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