Just pluggin along...

It's strange, by having the threat of losing my wife and my family as I knew it, I've been learning a lot about what a healthy relationship really is and what I want in my relationship with my wife. I've learned about the dangers of extreme codependence and dependence. I've been actually improving myself, body and spirit, in the process. It's like being tempered by fire and God is the blacksmith. I am still unsure at this point which way things are going to go.

As crazy as it sounds, there is a part of me that wants a divorce even though I'd say the majority of myself just want's my family to be a family again. I think the divorce desire comes from a desire to get away from all the pain involved in a relationship with something that has in essence 'cut you off' from themselves. Which is why I'm not choosing to do it yet, because that isn't a good reason for divorce. The pain is going to make me stronger, change me to be a better me. At least that is the way I'm trying to guide it when I'm sane.

I do know that when/if the time finally comes that we get back together, I don't want to live with a stranger. I don't want to live in a parallel relationship. And I am willing to let my wife go at that time if that is what happens. I have a son, and that definitely complicates matters. It makes the divorce decision a bind. Because while I don't want to have a broken family for him to grow up in, I don't want to fake a relationship with my wife for his sake. That would just mess him up too. Tough choices ahead for me in the months to follow. I just pray all goes well. I really miss my wife and son...

More Grief

My wife and I are separated now. It's been two and a half weeks since her fathers death but that isn't the reason. We started drifting apart before that and I could have stopped it but I was blind to what was happening. Now it's almost too late. I love her so much. I will regret losing her for the rest of my life. Sure in time the pain will heal and hopefully I will find another. But I really believe she was the one for me. Maybe I'm just being a silly romantic, clinging onto fantastic notions of love. This world seems a whole lot colder and darker now. Someday I will heal. Someday light will return. I have faith in God and in myself.

Grief

This past Sunday (Dec. 28 2008) my Father-in-Law passed away. I really miss him. I only had the opportunity to know him for the last few years but it was a great honor of mine to have even that. I grieve for my son of 3 years who won't get to know is papa more. I grieve for my wife, his youngest daughter, who is having a real hard time with his passing. I grieve for his other daughters and son, for his wife, for his brothers, sisters, cousins, nephews, nieces all who now face a world with one less beloved family member in it. I grieve for myself because I don't get to spend more time with him. I grieve for my father-in-law, I know his sorrow for who he is leaving behind.