Dreams

My son just told me about a dream he had last night. It tore my soul in twain, I could do nothing else at first but hug him tight and wish away his sadness and fear. He dreamed he was on a ship and he fell off into the ocean. The metaphor wad immediately clear. He then said "I wish that you and mommy could just be together again." He said "I feel happy when I am with mommy and I feel happy when I am with you but I feel happiest when you two are together." I started to cry but quickly stopped, I didn't want to burden him with that sadness any more than he was already doing to himself. It made me so upset at me and my wife, in that order.

I repeated to him something I have a lot lately. I told him that he has us both in his heart, so he doesn't need to feel sad when he isn't with one of us. I told him to look there and he would find us, because we are always with him. He asked how he could see his heart with his eyes :) I told him to close his eyes and he said "I still can't see it." Then I told him not to look with his eyes but to feel us there, and asked him did he see us now. He said he did. I told him that God is there to, that he makes it possible for us to be there and that everyone he loves, and will ever love, is there as well. He mentioned satirically he's glad love isnt heavy because that would weigh a ton. I told him love is amazing because it does not weigh anything and yet it is so massive that in encompasses the universe. I followed it up with another hug.

Being that he is six there is a lot I could not tell him, I will instead say it here and perhaps one day he will get to hear this...

I love you do much son, I wish I could just magically make this better for you and it tears me apart that I can't. I have no control over how mommy feels and I tried my best to hold on to us. She isn't happy though, and it's just not good if I were to continue to fight with her for us to stay together, it's not the right way. So I gave her space and I am having to let her go. I am just not strong enough to love her so much and have to be on my own like this. Truth is I am not heathly right now either being like this. Love is not needy, it is giving. It is not isolated but all encompassing. Mommy isolated herself because I failed to give her the love she needed when she needed it. Now she is trapped in her isolation and I am becoming isolated. That means I am becoming trapped too but don't want to do that to myself and so I am having to let go. I can't help mommy now though I wish with all of me that I could. She understands that I want to help her but she has isolated herself for so long, and I failed to see it and try to help her, that its safe for her to be like that now. It is our fault son not yours, never yours. I am so sorry I failed you son. I am so sorry I failed her. Truth is I failed myself too. I hope I may one day be forgiven by each of you but if not I understand, I love you all just the same.