Letting go...
I was deceiving myself a bit in my last post when I said that making the choice for divorce meant I could let go of the pain and chaos. Sure it helped but the pain comes back in waves crashing against my psyche. I will be fine for a time, even a day, then it hits me and I drown in my hurt from what she did. It's like she tossed me aside like a bit of trash. I was in her heart before her travels then I was shoved out and that heart thief was put in my place. And I was none the wiser until I found the mistakenly sent email recording her need and want of the heart thief and her desire to hide their trist.
I have been studying a lot about oxytocin and how a close relationship will help produce this good-feeling chemical within us. How the loss of the bond reduces/stops its production leading to a very real feeling of pain. I have certainly experienced all this first hand. I look at my soon to be ex and wonder if the reason she hasn't is because the heart thief is there to maintain it for her. Probably and the interesting effect is that she sees my recent behavior as out of the ordinary while hers is not to her. Like she forgot she let another mans penis inside her as she let him violate her heart. So she is still getting that affection from someone else where as I have no one. It is so sad she can't see what she did to us.
I feel desperate at times to find a connection to replace her, to find the feeling of being loved again. But I pull bak because I don't want to seek out someone in desperation, I think hat would be unhealthy. Instead I try to console myself an fill my time with anything to keep from feeling the pain. I bike a lot nowadays. It's good being as I was very sedentary and thus i am rather obese. Being around her is hard, but it's necessary right now for financial reasons. It gives me more time with my son, so no complaints and much gratitude for this time. I wish I could just throw her out of my heart like she did, I guess it's good I can't as it shows I'm not the heartless one. Why did she have to behi way? She is a good mother and a decent person. Why do this? It causes me so much cognitive dissonance...
I have been studying a lot about oxytocin and how a close relationship will help produce this good-feeling chemical within us. How the loss of the bond reduces/stops its production leading to a very real feeling of pain. I have certainly experienced all this first hand. I look at my soon to be ex and wonder if the reason she hasn't is because the heart thief is there to maintain it for her. Probably and the interesting effect is that she sees my recent behavior as out of the ordinary while hers is not to her. Like she forgot she let another mans penis inside her as she let him violate her heart. So she is still getting that affection from someone else where as I have no one. It is so sad she can't see what she did to us.
I feel desperate at times to find a connection to replace her, to find the feeling of being loved again. But I pull bak because I don't want to seek out someone in desperation, I think hat would be unhealthy. Instead I try to console myself an fill my time with anything to keep from feeling the pain. I bike a lot nowadays. It's good being as I was very sedentary and thus i am rather obese. Being around her is hard, but it's necessary right now for financial reasons. It gives me more time with my son, so no complaints and much gratitude for this time. I wish I could just throw her out of my heart like she did, I guess it's good I can't as it shows I'm not the heartless one. Why did she have to behi way? She is a good mother and a decent person. Why do this? It causes me so much cognitive dissonance...
<< Home