Vertigo

I let go and she tried to take hold. Relationships don't make sense. She 'woke up' similarly to what I did a few months ago. And she wants to work on us becoming a family again. It could be a ploy, it could be more emotional manipulation... But I sure hope not. I would have loved to be given a chance to work on us by her when I 'woke up'. I didn't get that from her but how hypocritical would it be were I not give her a chance when she has now seemingly 'woke up' and I am the one walled off? Of course I risk my heart again. If the risk proves worth it, I get my wife and son back and we can work on being a family again. If it fails, I get hurt and things go back to being what they already are. The risk certainly outweighs my fear of being hurt. So far it's been a few days since she 'woke up' and so far so good. It's gonna take A LOT more time of course. And I have a new emotional mine field of troubles to traverse myself now. But I pray to God this works out because I really miss my family.

16 days

Only 16 days from my last post. That was a lifetime ago it seems to me. At that point I was still hopefully trying to make things work with my wife. At that point I was blind to her manipulation and general disregard for my well-being. After all I disregarded my own well-being so why should she do anything different? That's changed, I value myself and my health a little bit more now. She and I are getting a divorce. We are becoming another statistic supporting the growing rate of divorce in the US. Great...

As you can tell there is some bitterness there. Even though I am the one who is going through all the paperwork and everything I would have given anything for it to work out. She flat out told me she was sure it wasn't going to work out and that she didn't love me anymore. Then she asked me for my help, and though it was an email I felt it like she slapped me in the face.

I feel cast aside, used and in general I know what a doormat feels like. That is how I have been treated for months by her while I was trying invite her to work on us again and help put us back together. Don't get me wrong I have my faults in this. I didn't pay attention until it was too late for starters. I was having my own problems last year that pretty much made it really difficult to pay attention but doesn't excuse me from the consequences. And then my wife started cheating on me with guys over the internet and via cell phone. So, with all the newness of puppy love from a series of guys as gullible as I once was, why would she want to climb the mountain of problems and emotion for us to be 'together' again?

I'm fairly practical and I can see many her motivations in this situation, so I guess I understand. That doesn't mean I like it or am not pissed off at her. I am. But that's ok, at this point I want nothing to do with her directly and in time I will work out the den of poisonous snakes that is my emotions. Plus I have my son to think about and as far as our former family unit is concerned he is all that matters, besides myself, now...

Progress, I think...

Today is my son's third birthday. Happy Birthday Buddy! I'm thousands of miles away but I'm thinking about you every minute. I hope you and momma have a great day!

On the personal front... I watched the movie Fireproof last night and I cried so much. Personality-wise I am both the wife and husband from that movie. But I made a decision like the husband did. Despite of what my wife does or how she acts I'm going to work at acting out my love her. I sent her a few text messages just complementing her. I got the last twenty dollars I have and put it in her account. And otherwise I am gonna try to give her the space she wants and not try to get anything emotion/attention-wise from her. I feel defeated in a way. I really don't know if she will ever be my wife in more than name again. She once said that she cut herself off from her first husband, like she has done with me, after he messed up and never opened herself up again. He spent two years trying. I'm afraid of that honestly. But I'm going to rely on God. And trust in him to confirm or counsel against my actions with her. All I know is I love her and my son and want to be with my family. I feel a sort of peaceful sorrow about it all. I feel so much regret for not working harder to let her know how much I love her when I had the chance.

Regret...

You slip through my hands like the sands of a beach,
I didn't listen to God or you in your effort to teach.
I look back and regret it now, I sorrow at my folly,
When right now were things different we may be jolly.

I pray there is yet time, after all I am still here,
I was empty of love and full of fear.
I must work hard to accept Gods love to fill,
My heart and soul that I once again have my will.

I choose to love when I have nothing at all,
I choose to give until I can do not but fall.
I make this choose knowing I may lose every thing,
I honor you even if you return it not, I wear your ring.

I hope with all hope I am not too late,
God has his plan but he let's us choose our fate.
I choose you and gladly I face the dark,
You are part of my soul, you have left your mark.

I love you greatly and I burn with a sorrow,
That I would not show you a kindness today to save it for the morrow.
I hang my head in shame and seek your grace,
That I may be truly forgiven and some day see again your lovely face.

Confusion

My wife's overall state of mind towards me, in her words, is 'confusion'. I have a hard time explaining to her why that is. Not because I don't know, because this experience has really helped me see myself for who I am. But it's hard because while I am trying slowly (e.g. snail speed) to help build up what we lost in our relationship (e.g. we are practically strangers to each other) the parts that are making her confused would negatively affect her would I tell her. I love her very much and many of my acts show that. But I don't trust her. That's the confusing part, because I almost act like I have duel personalities right now. Sometimes I am inviting her in and other times I am pushing her away. My wife has acted in a way that has lead to my choice of mistrust in her. I hate that I chose that in myself but the damage has been done and redone for a couple months now. It's a battle to heal what I did to myself.

I think it is valid that I do not trust her because of what she did (e.g. essentially break the commitments a wife and husband make to each other) but as long as I carry that mistrust in my heart I will not be available enough to her to help heal our relationship. So I continue to try and yet it is getting worse between us. I am lucky if I get to hear from her or my son at all on a daily basis, as in talk once for 10 minutes per 24 hours. It's tough but I am strong, I am tired of my self-pitying victim-hood and I'm giving that up. It has been freeing to do so. I still am caged within myself, but at least I have a little more breathing room in there now...