Full day

I am still experiencing time as if each week is a year for me. Meaning my own internal experience of time is moving rapidly compared to the actual amount to time happening. In laymens terms I describe it as living a year for each week. That means its almost been four years since I found out my wife cheated on me and doomed our marriage to its demise. I have almost accepted the fact that she threw me away for another man. A man she loved decades ago but had to put on hold as he went to jail. The timing of finding him free during the seven days she went back home to her family is uncanny. And just like that her and my relationship was no more. As if it had never been because she wants to pick up where her and this man had left off. As if I was just another placeholder for him. I feel so used, so unwanted, so worthless. It's horrid. I feel like my life of the past eight years of our relationship was a lie. I hate her so much for this. And yet I love her so much that I hate myself for hating her.

It's not her I am holding onto I realize, merely the ideal of her. The movie romance where we love each other and grow old together. Reality has set in to show me what a lie that ideal was. Oh world, was it really so unrealistic of me to seek the ideal? She is an amazing woman in spite of the obvious flaws. Why couldn't I have a life of loving her and being loved by her? Why couldn't my son see that example such that when he has his own family he could carry on that tradition of love? Why couldn't we change this fucked up world just a little to give it a taste of what heaven could be? Why, oh world, could this not be? How beautifully disgusting self pity can be...

Back to the present, thanks to how much time I perceive to have, I have been able to do many things very quickly per the real scale of time. I have been healing rapidly, I have been moving the divorce along at a record pace, I have been preparing for my soon to be new future and so on. Today she and I signed the marital settlement agreement. That is a big part of the divorce itself. Thankfully this divorce has gone uncontested, she and I agree on equal sharing of our son and our property. This has given me a bit of my power back, a bit of freedom and hope for my future without her. She didn't try to fight the divorce from happening at all. It hurts that she wants this divorce too so she can have her new love in her life as soon as possible.

Then, also today, I had four teeth extracted. The pain of losing her is still greater than that by a long shot. I did have local anesthetic though so I didn't feel too much pain. Except for the infected tooth where no amount of numbing reduced the pain of its removal. As I write this I am on the generic equivalent of loratab. I wonder if I will read back this post later and see how the pain pills where influencing me. I think the self pity party is partly thanks to the meds actually. I seem to have had a regression of sorts on my feelings tonight as I terribly miss her. Even though I have been working real hard to let her go with moderate success. Anyway, another day in paradise. I wish I would just wake up for this nightmare...