Grandma...

A week ago today my grandmother passed away. I had a chance to see her just a few days before and tell her I love her. I was happy I had that chance. I have been really troubled about it all because I have been apathetic about the ordeal for quite a while. At least I thought I was, but I realized I was just masking the sorrow. She had been living with a malignant tumor for almost two years now, was in a lot of pain and nearly out of her mind near the end. It's good she's not dealing with that pain anymore but I have to say that for the two years she dealt with this, her misery wasn't the pain. It was being in that nursing home and not being able to go where she wanted or be with whoever she wanted to be with. She told me a couple weeks back when she got better she was going to come over to my apartment to see it (she hadn't seen my new apartment). I regret she didn't have the chance. As an unfortunate after thought I wish I had just brought her some pictures of it so she could at least see my place. I realize it was more about her being able to be there and spend time with my family. However, I still wish I had done some small thing to show her I wanted her to be there.

At least I had the courage to get up during the memorial and talk about her value in my life and in all the lives of her family. I watched my mother break down in tears as I stood up there, she had been trying really hard not to lose her calm and I ended up being the catalyst to her failing that effort. I can only imagine what it's like to lose a mother, obviously I haven't lost mine yet. But I don't imagine it to be anything less than extremely sad for someone who loves their mother. I have come to appreciate sorrow, though I hate feeling it. It's sort of a testament to my love for others that I won't be able to see anymore. I'm grateful that I have evidence that I still feel love.