Emotional Sine Wave
The weekend was a grand mix of the dramatic and the pleasant. I asked my wife out on a date earlier last week and Saturday was the day. Before that, though, we spent most of Saturday running errands. School is starting and my son still needed some things prepared. He's going into the First Grade this year and I'm really excited for him. I liked school growing up and I hope for him that it will be the same. Also, to be able to be a part of this as his dad, will be new and wonderful for me as well.
We finished our errands and dropped our son off before our date. The date was rough for my wife and I. We tried Sri Lanken cuisine for the first time and it was interesting to say the least. We talked a lot during the meal to the time when we picked up our son afterward. The result of which led me to realize that I am being really impatient with the healing process.
Three years ago, when I went through this, I spent months stuck in a deep pit of despair. I didn't make much effort to work out what I was going through for myself. It was very gradual to learn some of the techniques of dealing with the emotions and working out my thoughts on everything that had happened. So without realizing it, this time around I have taken a different approach, speed healing.
You may be thinking that I just spoke an oxymoron and I would agree with you. I guess what I am trying to say is that I don't want to just sit around for months and wallow in self pity and grief. What happened... happened. My wife had an emotional and physical affair with another man. I can't change that so living in denial or longing for the time before it happened isn't going to help anything.
So yeah, I have been jumping right in. As evident here I am writing a lot more again, I have stepped up my exercise, I have been staying away from video games (a strong form of escape for me), etc. And as I want my relationship with my wife to continue I have been trying really hard to work through this with her. She is at a different pace then I am though and I realized during our talk on our date that I am being very intense and almost trying to push us along towards rebuilding our bond.
It has back-fired to a degree because, as she told me, I have been pushing her away. What I came to realize again, I have encountered this philosophy before, is that one method of dealing with severe hurt from another individual is to put up an emotional barrier between you and that person. Essentially walling yourself off from that person. Four years ago when I failed to be there as much as my wife needed me when she was dealing with the death of her father she put up that barrier to protect herself from me. And I failed to realize that it never much changed from then until now.
When we got back together I thought we were on the rode to recovery but truth is I was/am a dolt. I can't seem to be able to ever look deep enough at an issue to see the underlining factors involved. Especially with emotional issues where I am, for all intense purposes, a novice. She was, in many cases, putting on an act to keep us together for our son. I am saddened greatly by this because she should not have had to do that for us. I won't accept responsibility for her part in all of this but I definitely have had my role to play and my act didn't help use grow closer together but further apart.
With this realization however and us talking through it, a positive understanding did happen between my wife and I. Call it progress. And as a result Sunday felt different then the rest of the week had. I let go a bit of my anxiety. I let go of needing proof that my wife wants to put 'us' back together. She was a little more open, perhaps not emotionally, but in action. We spent time together and didn't just spend time in the same room with each other. We spent time as a family too, which is the top priority to us as parents.
We're not fixed, we are not healed but we are a step closer and any progress at all is precious and wonderful.
We finished our errands and dropped our son off before our date. The date was rough for my wife and I. We tried Sri Lanken cuisine for the first time and it was interesting to say the least. We talked a lot during the meal to the time when we picked up our son afterward. The result of which led me to realize that I am being really impatient with the healing process.
Three years ago, when I went through this, I spent months stuck in a deep pit of despair. I didn't make much effort to work out what I was going through for myself. It was very gradual to learn some of the techniques of dealing with the emotions and working out my thoughts on everything that had happened. So without realizing it, this time around I have taken a different approach, speed healing.
You may be thinking that I just spoke an oxymoron and I would agree with you. I guess what I am trying to say is that I don't want to just sit around for months and wallow in self pity and grief. What happened... happened. My wife had an emotional and physical affair with another man. I can't change that so living in denial or longing for the time before it happened isn't going to help anything.
So yeah, I have been jumping right in. As evident here I am writing a lot more again, I have stepped up my exercise, I have been staying away from video games (a strong form of escape for me), etc. And as I want my relationship with my wife to continue I have been trying really hard to work through this with her. She is at a different pace then I am though and I realized during our talk on our date that I am being very intense and almost trying to push us along towards rebuilding our bond.
It has back-fired to a degree because, as she told me, I have been pushing her away. What I came to realize again, I have encountered this philosophy before, is that one method of dealing with severe hurt from another individual is to put up an emotional barrier between you and that person. Essentially walling yourself off from that person. Four years ago when I failed to be there as much as my wife needed me when she was dealing with the death of her father she put up that barrier to protect herself from me. And I failed to realize that it never much changed from then until now.
When we got back together I thought we were on the rode to recovery but truth is I was/am a dolt. I can't seem to be able to ever look deep enough at an issue to see the underlining factors involved. Especially with emotional issues where I am, for all intense purposes, a novice. She was, in many cases, putting on an act to keep us together for our son. I am saddened greatly by this because she should not have had to do that for us. I won't accept responsibility for her part in all of this but I definitely have had my role to play and my act didn't help use grow closer together but further apart.
With this realization however and us talking through it, a positive understanding did happen between my wife and I. Call it progress. And as a result Sunday felt different then the rest of the week had. I let go a bit of my anxiety. I let go of needing proof that my wife wants to put 'us' back together. She was a little more open, perhaps not emotionally, but in action. We spent time together and didn't just spend time in the same room with each other. We spent time as a family too, which is the top priority to us as parents.
We're not fixed, we are not healed but we are a step closer and any progress at all is precious and wonderful.
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