Closed Door Policy

The chasm caused by our falling apart has caused a very real chasm in our family. We all still live in the same apartment for financial reasons. I moved into what was the office. Now I sit here in my room, door closed and alone, so does my soon to be ex in her room and so does my son in his. Seeing him do what mommy and daddy are doing tears at my heart. This place is a tomb for the dead. It's tragic and melancholy. I am brought to tears at the example our son will have from his parents as there is no love or affection, only business transactions. I dream of her every night, of how she was, of how we were. I keep holding on while trying to let go. It tears me apart. I ask why she wanted this, how could she want this. This living death. And then I think again she has someone else already so it's easier for her. She also has had four years of practice to wall off her heart, according to her, so it is life as usual for her. I am the odd one because I fought to hold on. I act strange in her eyes because I can't quite let go and yet i force myself to do just that. I don't like the fallout from all this, this closed door policy is just another needle in my heart. I wonder if there will anything left when this is all over.