Confusion

My wife's overall state of mind towards me, in her words, is 'confusion'. I have a hard time explaining to her why that is. Not because I don't know, because this experience has really helped me see myself for who I am. But it's hard because while I am trying slowly (e.g. snail speed) to help build up what we lost in our relationship (e.g. we are practically strangers to each other) the parts that are making her confused would negatively affect her would I tell her. I love her very much and many of my acts show that. But I don't trust her. That's the confusing part, because I almost act like I have duel personalities right now. Sometimes I am inviting her in and other times I am pushing her away. My wife has acted in a way that has lead to my choice of mistrust in her. I hate that I chose that in myself but the damage has been done and redone for a couple months now. It's a battle to heal what I did to myself.

I think it is valid that I do not trust her because of what she did (e.g. essentially break the commitments a wife and husband make to each other) but as long as I carry that mistrust in my heart I will not be available enough to her to help heal our relationship. So I continue to try and yet it is getting worse between us. I am lucky if I get to hear from her or my son at all on a daily basis, as in talk once for 10 minutes per 24 hours. It's tough but I am strong, I am tired of my self-pitying victim-hood and I'm giving that up. It has been freeing to do so. I still am caged within myself, but at least I have a little more breathing room in there now...