Just pluggin along...

It's strange, by having the threat of losing my wife and my family as I knew it, I've been learning a lot about what a healthy relationship really is and what I want in my relationship with my wife. I've learned about the dangers of extreme codependence and dependence. I've been actually improving myself, body and spirit, in the process. It's like being tempered by fire and God is the blacksmith. I am still unsure at this point which way things are going to go.

As crazy as it sounds, there is a part of me that wants a divorce even though I'd say the majority of myself just want's my family to be a family again. I think the divorce desire comes from a desire to get away from all the pain involved in a relationship with something that has in essence 'cut you off' from themselves. Which is why I'm not choosing to do it yet, because that isn't a good reason for divorce. The pain is going to make me stronger, change me to be a better me. At least that is the way I'm trying to guide it when I'm sane.

I do know that when/if the time finally comes that we get back together, I don't want to live with a stranger. I don't want to live in a parallel relationship. And I am willing to let my wife go at that time if that is what happens. I have a son, and that definitely complicates matters. It makes the divorce decision a bind. Because while I don't want to have a broken family for him to grow up in, I don't want to fake a relationship with my wife for his sake. That would just mess him up too. Tough choices ahead for me in the months to follow. I just pray all goes well. I really miss my wife and son...