Checking in...

Life has become a stable process again. I like patterns that maintain their order, always have. Change unbalances me more than I would like to let it. I am learning who this new me is more and more though I accept also I will never have it all figured out, and that change will happen again someday.

I am resigning myself to being single, it's not unfortunate really as I can't seem to find zen in a relationship. I fail at it greatly. Perhaps I'm just too self centered to be capable of it. In my heart of hearts I still long for that life long companionship and I am not writing it off as a possibility forever, just accepting it may not happen and learning to love life just the same.

I remember when I first met my ex, I used to tell her that I expected to be single and living in my moms basement at 40... You know that stereotype? Truth is, I don't know what will happen in the future, I can't plan a specific goal to save my life. I do have a general goal of having a house one day. Anda new cat perhaps if I can ever get over my loss for my old one. I still miss her very much.

Anyway life is life, mostly pleasant, maybe not zen but perhaps there is at least a rhythm leading to that. I hope you are doing well. If not, just remember... it will be ok.