Regression

The friend I met didn't work out in spite of my hopes. It was my failure not hers; I'm still just too broken. I honestly don't see a relationship in my future at this point. I've been trying to reassure myself that single life will be ok. Just because I'm single doesn't mean I'm alone, that has been my mantra of late. I'm trapped in love with a lie still, that is why I'm broken. I love someone that hasn't truly existed except in my delusions. Even worse, the man she committed infidelity with is here in state visiting for his birthday. It's getting to me that he is here and my son is around him. I shouldn't care but, like I said, I am trapped. I have the strongest desire to write my ex a letter telling her how I feel. I keep watching these movies were a drastic breakup happens and then the man humbles himself before his love interest in some way, showing his love and then it's happily ever after. I hate that I can't seem to stop wanting that fantasy (lie) for myself. I'll be alright, just taking things a day at a time. After all my heart may be messed up but my head is keeping things together for me while I deal with all this turmoil. Which is why I keep out of her life and just don't talk much to her. She probably thinks I'm over her, that I have moved on and am some cold uncaring man to be over her. No longer the man that loved her more than anything, a man who did everything to the point that he exhausted himself for her. See that was the big problem, I got to a point were I couldn't give any more and just kind of went comatose in her eyes. I failed, and she failed. On top of all that is my failing business which is another mountain of stress. I feel so unstable from it all. I deal with it... I really do... but that's just how I feel, unstable.

So besides the pity party there are the good things, my new job is still going good, I see my son often enough and I'm getting healthier. I'm still figuring out who I am but I will probably be at that as long as I live.

I've been reminiscing with music of various genres from 2003-2004. Mostly stuff I listened to at that time. I feel like I'm trying to feel how I was a little back then. That was around the time we first started our relationship. I like remembering the excitement and adoration. The puppy love and fun. We would talk for hours on end. We would fall asleep on the phone or some VoIP chat together. I remember reading to her until she fell asleep. She would snore a little and I would tease her for it. No big deal... she had nothing on my snores :) sometimes we would joke to the point we would laugh and laugh. i loved her laugh, if you got her laughing enough sometimes she would give a small snort, it was cute :) As you see my memories are my friend and enemy. Sometimes I wonder if I would erase them if I had the chance, like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind...