Suppression

I had a dream last night about a friendship of mine that has severely waned. He was my best friend, we worked at the same business for five (5) years and we were thick as thieves. I left that company for another opportunity and our relationship started to fall apart.

It seems like I can't keep friendships close with those that I don't see at work. I don't mean for those relationships to just be based on the fact that we work together, but that is how it ends up.

I dreamed that I was seeing my friend for the first time in a long time and I felt as if I was seeing a long lost brother. I hugged him and was so excited to see my brother, my former best friend. In my dream I remember talking with him a long time. Just finding out how his life was and sharing mine. And it felt like it used to be, just us hanging out and enjoying the time as it passes.

I woke up and realized something, there is a part of myself I started to suppress when I left that company, and it became almost invisible when I married and had a child. It was a section of my personality I figured I would have to lose because of my decisions and so I let it go. Kind of a growing up to adulthood sort of thing except I already was an adult. As the title states I suppressed this part of my personality. I discovered it again last night in a dream of my former best friend. I say 'former' but he is still and forever will be my brother. Even though I no longer have a real way to communicate with him and he is probably out of state now he is my brother.

Perhaps because of that discovery of a suppressed bit of my psyche or perhaps because it still haunts me. I have a regret about that relationship I want to express. So in the form of a letter to a friend I more than likely won't ever see again, here is that regret.

Dear Friend,

I remember a time when we sat together at a restaurant late one night and were to share something important about each other. It was to bond us more as friends and brothers. We both had journals of sorts and we had brought them along just for kicks. I offered to show you mine and you were impressed. You mentioned something to the effect of it being a trusting sort of action to let someone else read my private thoughts. And then you got to a page I forgot I wrote in that book.

A vulnerability I had wrote that I forgot was in there. I was so sure there was nothing I was afraid to keep from you. But this was one thing that I was afraid of you seeing, and it was stupid. It was a feeling of depression and isolation, something I didn't want others to see in me. After all... I was 'ok', I was the 'go to guy' and I was 'solid as a rock'. Or at least that is what I wanted people to believe. I was and am a fraud, a poser. I worry so much about others perception of myself that I never spend time really being myself.

I'm sorry for taking that book away out of fear and injuring our trust. I know you were bothered by it, even more so when I still persisted to show interest in seeing what you wrote in your journal as we sat there. It was an clear example that I never was never really personally open. I didn't trust you, or anyone else for that matter, to not harm me. In short I am a fool, we are all made of stronger stuff and I shouldn't fear being vulnerable to those that care about me. I may get hurt, but I will heal and be stronger for it.

I know it could have been a situation that strengthened our friendship and instead it didn't. I hope wherever you are that your life is good and that you are happy.

Sincerely,

Your Friend and Brother