A Small Meditation
I go through these phases now where I seem more normal. Not depressed from losing my family as it was or, to be more specific, half of my life with my child and all of my life with my ex. Then there are times I have this dense fog of sadness that I just keep stumbling through. One of those hit me this morning as I should have awoke joyfully. My father is visiting and my son is here, we are going golfing today. Alas I awoke sad as I was dreaming about her and us again.
Why must I feel this way still? I keep telling myself I need to grow up and be more mature about all this. I need to face the reality that it is over and I need to move on and just love life as it is. She loves another, she has no feelings for me and really hasn't for longer than I was made aware. So why can't I just stay in a state where I let go? I do it sometimes and sometimes I fail at it, like this morning. I'll be fine in a minute, of course, but still the tremors of feeling will ripple through my present and future until it calms like the ripples of a rock thrown into water.
Even more sad about myself is that I don't really want her back, I think I just want the feeling of her back. She wasn't a very affectionate person and was a spoiled brat; A demeanor I fed into being as I am more passive than I probably should be. I think that is where the dissonance truly lies. I miss her because of how greatly I loved her, I still love her, but I want to move on and let that go at the same time because life isn't bad without her. In fact it's good. I'm physically healthier than I have ever been in my adult life, I am able to focus on my interests more and I still get to spend 40-50% of my days with my son.
I am selfish and full of self deceit about the nature of things. That may seem off topic considering what I was just talking about but these are personality traits I see in myself when I get into these writings. If I wasn't so selfish then perhaps I wouldn't have lost her. Obviously I liked MY time but what about OUR time. I say I, but what about WE. I talk about what I didn't like about her but what could I have done better? The self deceit happens because of my selfishness, it was her fault... She cheated on me right? She chose someone else, I wanted us, I never wanted this. Right.... And so you see my immaturity as well. I'm a hurt little boy who lost his best friend and I don't know how to deal with it. So, I whine and wail about my lot when I should just be grateful for what I still have.
I am grateful and in remembering that I am now better again. Not pining for her and our family as it once was. Instead I am ready to go about the day and enjoy the fact that my dad is here and my son is here. I get to enjoy the day in a world where many people aren't so fortunate right now. With that I would like to end by saying, I'm sorry for your troubles and hardship. I hope life turns out better for you. Keep trying, hard work does pay off even if its not the outcome you expected.
Why must I feel this way still? I keep telling myself I need to grow up and be more mature about all this. I need to face the reality that it is over and I need to move on and just love life as it is. She loves another, she has no feelings for me and really hasn't for longer than I was made aware. So why can't I just stay in a state where I let go? I do it sometimes and sometimes I fail at it, like this morning. I'll be fine in a minute, of course, but still the tremors of feeling will ripple through my present and future until it calms like the ripples of a rock thrown into water.
Even more sad about myself is that I don't really want her back, I think I just want the feeling of her back. She wasn't a very affectionate person and was a spoiled brat; A demeanor I fed into being as I am more passive than I probably should be. I think that is where the dissonance truly lies. I miss her because of how greatly I loved her, I still love her, but I want to move on and let that go at the same time because life isn't bad without her. In fact it's good. I'm physically healthier than I have ever been in my adult life, I am able to focus on my interests more and I still get to spend 40-50% of my days with my son.
I am selfish and full of self deceit about the nature of things. That may seem off topic considering what I was just talking about but these are personality traits I see in myself when I get into these writings. If I wasn't so selfish then perhaps I wouldn't have lost her. Obviously I liked MY time but what about OUR time. I say I, but what about WE. I talk about what I didn't like about her but what could I have done better? The self deceit happens because of my selfishness, it was her fault... She cheated on me right? She chose someone else, I wanted us, I never wanted this. Right.... And so you see my immaturity as well. I'm a hurt little boy who lost his best friend and I don't know how to deal with it. So, I whine and wail about my lot when I should just be grateful for what I still have.
I am grateful and in remembering that I am now better again. Not pining for her and our family as it once was. Instead I am ready to go about the day and enjoy the fact that my dad is here and my son is here. I get to enjoy the day in a world where many people aren't so fortunate right now. With that I would like to end by saying, I'm sorry for your troubles and hardship. I hope life turns out better for you. Keep trying, hard work does pay off even if its not the outcome you expected.
<< Home